Clover's Mini Blog

September 9th, 2024

I've been super depressed lately because I screwed up my first nursing job. Basically, I cried at the end of one shift, then I cried at the very start of another shift a few days later and had to step off the unit. I told my preceptor that things didn't feel right and I was going to go with my gut and find another unit. Unfortunately, now it seems like the company I was working with is no longer interested in keeping me because it's been awful quiet on their end since last Saturday (just a few emails going back and forth about waiting on 'next steps') Now, it WAS a weird three day weekend thing when I decided to find another unit, but like...ugh. I thought it would just be more simple than all of this and that they would just throw me somewhere else that needed RNs. I was only a few weeks into training too. I just felt like I should've been better at my job than where I was at knowledge-wise, but really I needed more time. Wherever I train next I'm just going to take it SO SLOW. I guess I just push myself too hard with things and hold myself to these high standards. I was thinking "Oh, EVERYONE does this type of nursing as a starting point it should be totally fine" but it just didn't feel right. I didn't like how the experienced nurses on the unit were also saying they felt stressed even after being there for years. Not all of them appeared stressed, but who knows how they felt deep down. I have always heard of bad 'nurse to patient ratios' and I just felt overwhelmed at this place. I'm going to try rehab nursing and see what happens. It may be more patients, but they are better off overall and are getting ready to go home for the most part so maybe it'll be a bit easier despite a higher nurse to patient ratio. At least I got some good training in while I was at this med surg unit, and I hope I can bring what I learned to rehab nursing. 

Anyway. I have been so depressed that I've actually been lacking in any motivation to continue with karate or even iaido. I want to go back and learn more iadio, but it was already really hard even when all things were going well in my life. I never truly felt like I fit in there. I felt like I could've used more instruction but never got it unless I specifically asked. I mean, I guess that's ok but it just wasn't a learning style I was used to. For karate, at this point I feel like I'm doing it just to spend time with my parents. There is a lot with the organization that I'm dis-enchanted with, but I do want to keep up the exercise and sparing drills and things we do at the very least. I have to do 5,000 of a kata called "kunku" before next summer and I'm barely over 1k and I just can't find it in me to continue working on it at home. I felt like I was working on it endlessly without any change happening and I just didn't know what else to do with it. I could literally continue to keep doing it at home, but without feedback, I don't know what to change. I keep getting told my kata looks very good, so what do I do? Maybe I'll just continue working on my "favorite kata" which is empi, and try to perfect that one instead for a while. 

Aside from all of that, I have a lot of lolita/ouji clothing that came in the mail that I want to make a video on as a review. I got things from wunderwelt, devil inspired, and random ebay purchases that are all ouji themed and a little bit ero themed as well!! I would really like to share my thoughts on these pieces, so I  hope I can find time to make a video on them soon. It's just so hard when I feel like a total loser sitting around not making money cause I can't handle stuff xwx;; Anyway, I know I'll get over this and I know I'll look back and feel so much better about nursing and my career. I really hope I can even make a video about that some day, about all of my anxiety and experiences I had just starting out. I'll see you guys later!! Let me know in the chat what areas of the website you want me to work on next. The last thing I worked on was the 'top 10 worst pokemon' because literally someone in the chat just said they wanted to see that xux so anything you guys want, leme know!!! Listen: Even if life sucks, just let it suck and coast along. Be happy with total boring-ness and just be chill. What do you think animals in nature do? They have their lot in life and just freaking deal with it. It's really hard when you think you have so much else to offer to life, but please just relax and try to realize not everyone is going to have this huge heroes journey type adventure. Some of us are just peaceful little farmer-type-cottage-core folks and we need to relax and not worry about what our life brings to the greater good. Be OK with what you are. I'm trying to work on that right now even though I've literally been crying every single day since I quit my unit unexpectedly. Love you, and bye bye for now. Go take a bath and do a moisturizing face mask or something. 

May 12th, 2024

I'm DONE WITH NURSING SCHOOL!!! I took my final exam on May 8th, and got to know my score immediately. I got a B (100 questions total x0x), and it was worth 20% of our grade...I basically had an A in the class already so it brought me down to a high B, BUT I'LL TAKE IT!! I think back to how full the class was on day one...when we were all younger and full of hope XD I think every seat was filled. As the semesters went on, people dropped out, the LPNs graduated after 2nd semester, then 3rd semester brought back a few re-admit people but some of them dropped out again anyway...it was wild. There were only three guys left in the class of about 36 people by the end of it. We still need to do the pinning ceremony which is weirdly two full weeks after our final exam date, but oh well. I'm so happy to not just have assignments, random clinicals, and exams/quizzes looming over. Now, I just have THE state licensure exam which I can't even schedule yet until people at the school send grades and stuff off, blah blah... What I'm hoping is I can finish it before Karate special training, which starts a little earlier this summer (June 5th). Then I don't have to worry about studying while I'm resting from the karate practices. Speaking of which, I've been training for summer special training with some outdoor running (now that it finally warmed up a tad), so I'm not focusing as heavy on weight like I normally like to do. I'm also continuing my Iaido practice, and will soon be moving onto the fourth kata! OH my mom also ordered an iaito for me for graduation/birthday ;o; It's being made in Japan right now and will be shipped here maybe in a few months. I'm really excited to have my own legit sword...it wont be sharp (because I'm still learning and don't want to lose a finger) but it'll be great for training and getting the real feel of a blade. For other karate updates, I'm currently helping my mom train so she can go up for her Yodan o_o she has to basically demonstrate Funakoshi's 9 throws (ON ME lol) so I'm practicing falling and aikido style rolling so her presentation can look good. It's actually pretty fun and it has been helping me learn the order of the throws. I think we're going to go to a practice later this month that focuses on those throws, so hopefully we'll be ready with questions and open to good feedback. 

I've been saving so many random images and stuff that I want to upload to my site, it's actually a bit daunting. But eventually I'll get some of it up. One project I really wanted to do, but I don't think there is a way to do it (due to how this particular phone game stores data) is save all the clothing/accessory assets from Cocoppa Play and make a simple doll maker on my site! I might be able to do it if I can get some AI assisted imagine editor that can remove backgrounds from screen shots, but for now I don't have anything like that. Another thing I've been trying to do is save email image assets from Pokemon, Sanrio, etc so they could be used by folks on their webpages or what have you. I swear, these companies have these really nice (sometimes animated) images that get used for a single email, then that's it!

Other updates...Charles has moved back in with me into my new home ^O^ He has been here about a week now, and we got his room to a workable/living situation. I ordered some furniture for him and he worked a lot on getting his mega collections up and on display. It's a museum of nostalgia in there, let me tell you. Tomorrow he's going to help me transplant some foliage from my parents yard to around my house. Some forsythia, and other nice flowers to help fill in my yard. 

February 9th, 2024

Okay I finally got COVID lol. It just took til everyone considers the pandemic largely over for me to finally test positive. I had been around people who had it in the past but never tested positive myself. I'd say it lasted about a week for me. I'm still kinda clearing my throat and waiting for my nose to stop being completely stuffy but I'm mostly better. I decided not to go to clinical today because I was still testing positive and I just really worried about the patients. Anyway, We just finished exam #1 for the last semester and I got a freakin 95.15%!!! So happy about it the score because it's a topic I have zero interest in actually working in...maternity....=w=;

Well, the winter was pretty mild. It's almost time to get a summer intro page ready. Tropical Gyaru-style let's GO!!! I also decided to quit my job until I actually get my license. I just felt like it was too much going on this semester. I basically only had 1 day where there is nothing scheduled, and the night-shift clinical really made working weekends difficult considering I have iaido and karate on weekends. So yeah, no work for a while, just school! I actually had a dream where I accepted a position working on this specific floor. It's like a surgical trauma unit so the patients have pretty complex cases going on, and you only are assigned 2-4 patients MAX. It's very interesting and I know I could learn a lot there, but I need to practice at a slower pace first. I don't want to eff up my license right off the bat after all :) 

One last update, I got approved to be a vendor at RetroWorld this summer! I'll have a table and me and Charles will be vending some of my goods n' merch...including these cute Pokemon paint-pen drawings I did ^^ I need to take pics of them all and post them here before I sell them off. I also need to put a few more modded gameboys together to sell, but I'll have time this summer before the convention starts. That's about it for now ^^ see ya later!!

January 16th, 2024

A new year, and just ONE MORE semester to for nursing school! I just had a really nice winter break where Charles came to visit for a few weeks, also my sister who lives in Ireland visited with her whole fam, so it was a busy and enjoyable break as well. We were supposed to have school today, but it snowed so online and in person classes were canceled. We should have lecture tomorrow though, plus orientation to our clinical sites on Friday (I got the absolute LAST of my picks,,, Friday nights >_>; I asked specifically for any day BUT Friday, and any times BUT night time...OH WELL!!!) I got a head start on some studying during the break and the "off day" today, so I feel pretty good going into the semester. 

Anyway, I'll be going to California for spring break to see my brother's house and spend time with my mom who is watching his 2 dogs for a week. After nursing school graduation, I will have a Summer Special training (for karate) and after that, we are doing a short trip to the South of France for a week or so for a 60th anniversary Karate event! It will be a few practices, but dinners/gallas/etc in fancy mansions xux;;; So cool. We are renting an air bnb and the whole family will be there for a reunion kind of thing. That's the update for now! I hope to work more on this site during the semester if and when I get some free time. Winter is a perfect time for indoor crafts and hobbies I always say. OH I almost forgot, I also started Iaido! (Japanese sword drawing/slashing techniques) It's so cool, and it really echos some things we do in karate as well. I'm only going once a week right now for times sake, and because it's pretty hard on the knees for the first two kata lol. Okay ttyl :) Be well~

August 25th, 2023

School is going to start soon AAAHHH!!! That means lots of studying and stressing about tests ;D In nursing school, you have to maintain a 77% exam average or you must leave the program. No pressure. The farther you get into the program the more intense the idea of being kicked out is. I've heard of some people needing to leave due to life circumstances, and they were able to be readmitted....but I'm not entirely sure if they do that if your grades are bad. Yeesh. At least one person broke a bone in their finger or wrist, and due to this they were unable to wash their hands properly when attending clinical. This caused them to be expelled from the program :( How horrible....hopefully I don't break anything in karate lol

Speaking of that, I attended a Nagewaza/Nage no Kata (throwing techniques) 2 hour class yesterday led by a godan-level blackbelt near the boston area. It was very informative and my mom and dad both attended as well. My dad was there pretty much to walk around and help instruct, and I got to work with my mom for "Funakoshi's 9 throwing techniques". These are higher level throws that we teach black belts in karate. So difficult. It's funny because we focus so much on punching and kicking, it's considered "high level" when you start doing grabs and throws. However if you start out with Aikido or judo, you immediately get into falling techniques, throws, grabs/releases, etc...then LATER you learn how to punch XD Priorities.

So it took me a good 7+ days to get over my cold. While coming out of the cold I have been putting things away from the move, deconstructing boxes, and making FURNITURE!! lol. Oh my god so many allen wrenches. Putting things away has been hard because I don't want to just carelessly toss things onto a shelf. First I position the furniture, then I walk into and out of the room a few times, and just feel the vibe of the room. I decide if that's where the furniture makes sense from a feng shui/flow perspective, and ONLY THEN do I actually start putting items on it. When I'm putting my collection and display items out, I often change their position 3-5 times on just a single shelf. I consider larger vs smaller objects, color, texture and themes of the objects, and so on. When I look at a shelf, I want the things on it to be like a little art piece or mini gallery that is pleasing to the eye. (You can see why it took a long time to unpack...) I also wanted to make sure I have room for more things that I'll inevitably collect at thrift stores, antique stores, comic cons, online shopping, and more. Despite having so many knick knacks, I actually donated a good handful of ones I no longer cared for and boxed up other parts of my collection to sell at comic con next year. Let me tell you, I GOT STUFF TO SELL lol. Can't wait for comic con ♥ Oh, I even parted with a few items from my lolita collection that didn't "spark joy" any longer and listed those on lacemarket. I need to go through and maybe make a few accessory lots to tone down some of my bow/clip/pin collections.

That's about it for now. I need to review nursing math because we are literally having a math exam day ONE when we get back to class. Good times. I'll see if I can get pics of my home decor and displays up later.

August 8th, 2023

I wanted to have a little spot on my site where I could just pop some life updates once in a while. I kept feeling like I wanted to add them to the "site update" section, but it really doesn't make sense there. So here we are!

I had a few weeks break from working on this site this summer because my friend Charles came over to hang out. We went to Salem, practiced karate together, and generally just chilled and ate yummy foods. The last few days of him being here, I actually closed on a house that was just built for me over the last 7ish months (the closing happened a full month later than we were originally expecting), so we were focused a lot on paperwork, getting boxes moved over, making sure the money transferred successfully, and so on.

Basically right after Charles left, my throat starts hurting and my nose is all stuffed up. I desperately want to get back into my regular workout routine, but I'm feeling so tired from being sick. (I pretty much only get sick like once a year, and this one was really mild compared to others I have. It never actually turned into a full blown cough which was great.) The energy I do have is focused on getting boxes opened and things put away. Charles helped me assemble things like the new birdcage, tables, chairs, and he helped me clean too!

My mom and dad are also AMAZING and they helped me move so much stuff. My mom cleaned the floors a bunch and my dad helped me hang things and did some gardening clean up. He also helped me water my lawn as it just got a layer of grass and clover mix put on. They also got me a new vacuum, a new security camera set up, helped me pay for literally everything, let me use tons of supplies, and were just very excited for the new property in general and seemed to enjoy helping out. (My dad is retired so he has time! lol)

I had a break from house stuff to go in for a day of work last Saturday...and wouldn't you know it? THREE of my eleven patients were testing positive for covid XD Lovely! It definitely slows you down when you have to suit up for airborne precautions with an n95, gown, and goggles, just to drop a food tray in a covid room. Good practice though. I've been around various people who have tested positive for covid before and never actually tested positive myself despite mild symptoms. I made sure to get my vaccines, and I believe it helped make things not blow up too bad. I hate feeling sick and getting coughs, so ANYTHING I can do to prevent that I will do. I've also been taking my vitamins, doing the netti pot, and drinking lots of water ;) Even when I'm a bit sick I try to do some light stretching and at least 10-15 minutes of some weights or something. I think the movement helps.

Mom and I are going to Ikea tomorrow, and I know I'm going to want to buy everything lol. I do have some priority items, like drawers for clothes (I don't hang EVERYTHING I own, some things I like putting in drawers...) Anyway, karate is going to start in a bit so I'm going to go change and get ready for that. ♥